Enough…

I’ve been feeling really jaded about the lifestyle lately. I know I can’t get rid of this part of me but I’m just not sure what role I want it to take in my life any more. I stopped talking to the sub I was seeing.  I didn’t really give him an explanation, just sort of disappeared. I feel bad for it but I don’t really know what the explanation would be…

Part of me adores the idea of a D/s relationship but part of me finds it … I don’t know… just not live-able. For now I’m taking some time off of it all. For now I’m going to try to figure myself out… something I thought I’d already done.

Dirty Little Secret

You wouldn’t think that someone as open-minded as me would be so scared to divulge one of her greatest fetishes with a sub but I am. Everyone says there is someone out there for everyone but is there someone out there that has ALL the same kinks I do OR will at least take pleasure in ALL the kinks I do? It is hard to think that someone could enjoy this part of me, this dirty little, kinky secret. I haven’t shared this fetish with the last few subs I’ve been with because I have gotten bad reactions about it. This is something I keep guarded and close to my heart.

Tonight though, I told him about it and to my surprise he was okay with it. He even was willing to start small with it and maybe one day go to the deeper side of things.

I’m honestly scared… Scared about what this brings out in me and scared about if he will like that side when it comes out. Letting this fetish loose is like opening Pandora’s Box and I’ve let it lay dormant so long. I’m just not sure what letting it out will do… It is a vulnerable place to be.

Unexpected Intimacy

I thought I wanted to be able to gush over what happened last night and share it with the world but I’ve sat here and the words just won’t come to me. So, I then proceeded to try to figure out why I couldn’t put into words my evening and it dawned on me… It was far to intimate an experience to be for anyone else.

The things I can say are I have happily seen him four times this week and I can’t remember the last time I wanted to see someone four times in a week. We share the same fetishes and desires. We share the same spiritual/cultural paths and experiences. We share… yes very simply we share… There is this sense of worship from him that is unbelievable and I feel very blessed the have a submissive man serving me in this way.

For the reality of the situation … it’s only been one week. But the perspective is with others seeing them four times meant being drawn out over four weeks. If I try to put things in a box it’s just not going to fit. It’s important to remember that each relationship is unique and of its own and I am enjoying the new discoveries here. I will retreat to vanilla for a few days and be completely tickled when I can have him again on Wednesday.