Caution to the wind…

I feel like maybe I am over-cautious about my heart, about my feelings, not wanting to get hurt like I have in the past could be holding me back from great things. It makes me say things and feel things that I don’t want to feel. It makes me seem less confident than I really am…

Should I show this vulnerability as  a Domme? I say, YES! It is my confidence in knowing what I am that allows me to bear my soul to the world and show that a real Domme has fears and worries and is a real person. But lately I have been afraid of pain again and that really stinks.

I’ve been talking to a new sub… scratch that… He is definitely more than just a sub and I don’t want to refer to him as that. Our philosophies about D/s really jive well but I can’t help feeling like I need to be careful because I thought I jived well with the last one and then we all know what happened there. But there is no former Domme to run to in this case and no vanilla exes still looming. Yet I still fear getting hurt. We went out Sunday and then had lunch together and played a little today. I’m looking forward to playing with him tomorrow evening.

A little ass play was had today and he easily took what I gave him, so tomorrow I want to press further and go bigger… possibly give him some golden nectar too. Because I was on my lunch break from work I didn’t get to cum today, that was a big bummer. However, he made me a really great lunch and I was worshiped well otherwise.

I have enjoyed his company this far and I guess I need to just wind-up and throw caution to the wind.

Good Sub Needed… Or at least one that can take a fist!

To say that I am craving anal play would be an understatement. I am longing for it and to extremes. It is such a challenge to not just scoop up any willing sub and turn him into my little hand puppet but then reality sets in and I feel crappy after the fact because it was all meaningless. It is such a hard balance to strike between having something worth while and fulfilling my primal urges to Dominate. Some days I feel it would be best to just keep a stable and other days I think that would be terrible. Hmm… it isn’t that I am lacking in interesting subs, it is just that I am so picky to have one be a regular fixture in my life. But maybe a few subs for play is what I need right now. All I know is my fist is aching for an ass.

Smile

We talked tonight and I was ready for him to say he wasn’t ready for a relationship right now but I was not ready for him to say he was going back to the previous Domme. That was a blow I was sure wouldn’t happen. I mean from how much pain he had expressed that she had put him through, I was sure that he wouldn’t allow himself to go through that again. Alas though “love” is not explainable at times.

It’s funny how many types of love there are. How love, a feeling that is felt in so many ways, has the same word for it. I’ve been in love and loved in all sorts and none of them felt like the one before. We all continue to chase that feeling of the one that was lost, the one that we had loved the most or deepest or truest. But every single time we love it is unique and individual and understanding this is what is key to living a life rich and full of love. Chasing that one before is a kind of sick love that only finds negativity and pain.

Is it possible and sustainable to be in love with two different individuals at once though? I have dabbled in this idea of polyamory for a very long time and have struggled with it. I’ve tried it, had friends who tried it, and no matter what configuration I only can find a bad ending to it. I went through a period where I wanted a poly life, so this sub telling me he can settle for this should be no problem to me. However, if pain is already associated with it… is it possible for that to be wiped away? Questions to be left unanswered.

I am slightly hurt by this situation but honestly I know it had nothing to do with me. I also know that there is nothing I could have done to stop it from happening. I absolutely adore him as a person and wish him all the best and hope going back to his former Domme is the right choice for him. I will trek on with my journey for a submissive companion and I will continue to love and smile…

Just one call…

 

Just one phone call is all it takes to throw your entire world into an upheaval. I’ve been really excited about this new sub I’ve been seeing and felt like he is the most promising individual I’ve come across in a very long time but Thursday he got a phone call that seems to have changed everything.

 

His former Domme called him and, I guess, told him that she misses him and still wishes they were together. This sort of thing has happened to me so many times I’ve lost count. I mean, just the opposite though, exes of mine have found their way back into my life by way of the phone, email, facebook, you name it and they like to pop back up. Hell! I’ve even done it to people before! Why do we always feel so compelled to go back? Why do we ever think that things can about-face to how they were? Moments of nostalgia need to remain just that– memories that we cherish and adore as mini movies in our brains forever.

 

The road of life is not one that allows there to be u-turns. We must keep plowing ahead and if the course doesn’t seem right look for another path but there is never a way to go back down the path in which you came. Love seems to fog our windshield and make us forget these things, especially love lost.

 

As a Domme, I hate feeling like I am not in control of the situation. I hate feeling like I can’t take all his pain away. I hate feeling like I can’t make him see that there is no going back to that life before. All my biases aside, I just wish him to have happiness and I know trying to go backwards only ever causes more heartache (believe me I’ve tried).

 

When you love someone and things end, that love never really goes away. People have a terrible habit of saying “I’m over that person” or “I don’t love that person any more” and that is so untrue. If you honestly loved that individual then the love never goes away. We may get to a point in which we don’t think about them as often, we don’t pine for them to be by our side but never ever does that feeling of love go away. The misconception of thinking that you “get over” a person leads people to crumble when that ghost from the past does resurface and all those old feelings flood back. It’s normal, it’s natural and frankly I’d feel more concerned about someone who felt nothing after seeing or hearing from a lost love.

 

So, what will this Domme do? I’m not really sure. All I know is I’m not ready to say “see ya” to this one. I think there is just far too much great about him to move on, because of a hiccup like this. He is taking a few days to sort things out, we wont be talking. I guess I will just wait it out and hope that he wants to continue down this path with me instead of attempting to look back. I sure hope his windshield wipers start working.